Posted in mental health, My Story

I’m Fine (a piece about mental illness)

I’m Fine

I’m fine,
I’m not too bad,
I’m alright,
I’m okay,
I say…
But I’m not.

I’m not fine.
I’m not good.
I’m not alright.
I’m not okay.
But I don’t say.
I can’t.

I can’t because…
It hurts,
I’m scared,
I’m worried,
I don’t want to talk,
I don’t want to admit it,
even though I know it’s okay not be okay.

I say I’m fine,
I’m fine,
I’m fine.
I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more,
me… or you?

I’m fine, but I’m not.
I haven’t been for a while.
But I don’t want to trouble you.
I don’t want to bother you.
I don’t want to be a burden.

I’m fine,
because I want to hide.
I want to hide the fact that underneath the surface I’m struggling,
I feel like I might explode,
One more thing and I’ll I go over the edge.
No matter how big, or small.
One more drop and I’ll overflow.
I’m already full, how much more can I take?

I’m fine,
because I don’t want to cry.
Or at least I don’t want you to see me cry.
Or I can’t cry but I want to.
If the tears come, they might not stop.
I don’t want to expose my troubles.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable.

I’m fine,
because I don’t know how to tell you anything else.
I want to be able to tell you,
But what if it’s too much?
What if I’m too much?
Too intense?
Too damaged?
Too much of a problem?
A burden?
A mess?

I’m fine,
because I’m scared to trust you,
I’m scared if I tell you you’ll runaway,
I’ll lose you.
You won’t want to listen.

I’m fine,
because I don’t know how to let you in.
Or how to tell if you’re genuine.
If you really care.
If, when you say you’ll be there,
You’ll really, be there.

I’m fine,
I’ll manage,
I’ll cope,
I’ll be okay,
I say.
I hope.

I’m fine,
that’s what I want you to know.
But I’m fine is not how I am.
Not how I feel.
But then again, I
don’t even know how I feel.

By TwilightRising

One thought on “I’m Fine (a piece about mental illness)

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