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First month round-up

As the title clearly suggests, Today marks exactly one month since I first created this blog and published my first post.

For those of you who missed my first post, detailing the reason behind my name it can be found here.

In my second post I continued to introduce the subject that brought me to create this blog- my experience as a Sexual Assault Survivor and my thoughts around the topic. It can be found here.

I also added an off the cusp post detailing my relationship with Make-up and struggle with self-image- predominately to do with Acne; I should be going on Roaccutane in March *fingers crossed*. It can be found here.

This month has largely consisted of me posting a series of poems detailing trauma and experience of mental health. All of these poems were written by myself in November 2017 when I was going through a bad episode of my mental health due to an excessive amount of triggering around that time.If liked any of poems but didn’t see all them you can check the ones you missed out here:

Torment

I’m Fine

If Only You Knew

I Wish

The reason for posting material that I had already written is because this month I have been focusing on my assignments for my masters- two of which were due this month. One is complete and the other still in progress.

I’d like thank everyone for all the likes, comments and follows so far and I hope to post more of my story and share more of my experience and poems with you soon.

xxx

Posted in mental health, My Story, Sexual Violence, Trauma

Torment (a poem about mental health and trauma)

Torment

It’s in the past.
It’s in the present.
It’s in my memory.
It’s in my thoughts.
It’s in my every day.
It’s been two years but sometimes it feels like yesterday.
Sometimes, even like it’s happening now.

November it happened.
From December I’m haunted.
Nightmares,
Flashbacks,
Intrusive thoughts,
Intense emotions;
Tormented.

One day it happens,
One month it starts,
Next month it continues,
One year still going,
Two years still tormented.

Forget it.
I can’t.
Block it out.
I try.

It’s a torment, my trauma, I cannot lie.

By TwilightRising

Posted in mental health, My Story

I’m Fine (a piece about mental illness)

I’m Fine

I’m fine,
I’m not too bad,
I’m alright,
I’m okay,
I say…
But I’m not.

I’m not fine.
I’m not good.
I’m not alright.
I’m not okay.
But I don’t say.
I can’t.

I can’t because…
It hurts,
I’m scared,
I’m worried,
I don’t want to talk,
I don’t want to admit it,
even though I know it’s okay not be okay.

I say I’m fine,
I’m fine,
I’m fine.
I don’t know who I’m trying to convince more,
me… or you?

I’m fine, but I’m not.
I haven’t been for a while.
But I don’t want to trouble you.
I don’t want to bother you.
I don’t want to be a burden.

I’m fine,
because I want to hide.
I want to hide the fact that underneath the surface I’m struggling,
I feel like I might explode,
One more thing and I’ll I go over the edge.
No matter how big, or small.
One more drop and I’ll overflow.
I’m already full, how much more can I take?

I’m fine,
because I don’t want to cry.
Or at least I don’t want you to see me cry.
Or I can’t cry but I want to.
If the tears come, they might not stop.
I don’t want to expose my troubles.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable.

I’m fine,
because I don’t know how to tell you anything else.
I want to be able to tell you,
But what if it’s too much?
What if I’m too much?
Too intense?
Too damaged?
Too much of a problem?
A burden?
A mess?

I’m fine,
because I’m scared to trust you,
I’m scared if I tell you you’ll runaway,
I’ll lose you.
You won’t want to listen.

I’m fine,
because I don’t know how to let you in.
Or how to tell if you’re genuine.
If you really care.
If, when you say you’ll be there,
You’ll really, be there.

I’m fine,
I’ll manage,
I’ll cope,
I’ll be okay,
I say.
I hope.

I’m fine,
that’s what I want you to know.
But I’m fine is not how I am.
Not how I feel.
But then again, I
don’t even know how I feel.

By TwilightRising